Alanna's Funeral

It's taken me a few days to actually get to writing this--I needed time to process everything--but I wanted to write about the beauty of Alanna's funeral. It was held on Tuesday, July 13.

Matt, Connor, and I left just after 7 a.m., since we knew we'd have to deal with rush hour traffic and our trip would take much longer than normal. I was fine the whole way up--we all were. We got to the funeral home a little early, but some family were already there. The second we pulled into the parking lot was when everything hit me. I just looked at Matt and said, seemingly out of nowhere to him, "This is so wrong!" He asked what I meant. Trying not to cry, I told him that we should be in town to meet our new niece, not to say goodbye to and bury her! We parked where directed and got out. Matt's dad had just arrived, and Beth and Ben came out to meet us in the parking lot, as did Matt's mom. Matt gave Beth a huge hug. Ben tried to give me one, but I told him not to, as I would start to cry. He said that was okay and kind of gave me one anyhow. And that's when the tears started for me. I then also hugged Beth.

We all kind of pulled it together and entered the funeral home. One of the attendants (directors?--not sure what their official title is) asked Beth and Ben if they'd like to see the setup of the casket and flowers. They followed him, and so did everyone else, since it was just family. That was hard and when I started crying even harder. A tiny casket covered and surrounded by flowers. I didn't stay in there too long, but headed to the visitation room, where guests would be received before the service. I eventually "parked" on a small sofa toward the side and back of the room so I didn't have to mingle much--and thus didn't have to see everyone come in and greet Ben and Beth, because when I did watch, I would just start to cry all over again. They had such grace and poise, shedding tears but in many ways extending comfort to their guests. One of Beth's good friends had been pregnant at the same time and was actually leaving the hospital with her newborn the same day Beth was admitted to give birth to Alanna. She contacted Beth to make sure it was okay that she, her husband, and the baby came to the service. Beth and Ben said of course--and then genuinely welcomed them when the did come. And that's just one example of the grace and poise they possessed during the most difficult trial of their lives and marriage.

Matt's sister Bekah and Connor sat with me most of the time in the back. Connor because this was all new to him and he wasn't sure how to act, and Bekah because she would be singing at the service and needed to hold everything together until after she sang.

Finally, it was time for the service to start. Ben's brother opened us in prayer, and then Bekah sang "To Trust You (Jody's Song)" by Melissa Greene. That pretty much started everyone crying. During the song there was a slide show of Beth and Ben and relatives holding Alanna in the hospital, meeting their daughter/granddaughter/niece--and saying goodbye. I don't recall what was next, but shortly after that a song that Bekah wrote ("Alanna's Song"), which she had prerecorded, was played while a picture of Alanna photoshopped into a large hand holding her was shown, with the lyrics. Again, more beauty and sadness--and tears.

Beth and Ben's pastor followed all of that up with a wonderful message, touching on that we all ask why, but may never know. And of course, being a pastor, he was able to integrate the salvation message and take the opportunity to witness to those in attendance who are not believers. It wasn't a forced message at all; it seemed very natural, and all the while addressed our struggle to understand what we can't, and honored Alanna's short life.

To close the service, we all stood and sung the hymn "It Is Well with My Soul." I think I rather choked out the words here and there as Matt and I held hands. The hardest thing for me, after seeing and experiencing Beth and Ben's and the family's grief, was to see Matt's grief. He rarely cries (I think I've seen in cry four times or so in the 17 years I've known him). And yet during the service he was all but sobbing for his sister's and Ben's loss. For our family's loss.

After the funeral service we made our way to the grave site. Matt estimates there were at least forty cars in the processional. He lost count after thirty-some. The "service" there was short, and slowly everyone left, with many of the guests going to the luncheon afterwards, hosted at a nearby restaurant. After that immediate family went to Ben and Beth's house for the rest of the afternoon/evening. It had been a long, hard, emotional day, but we made it through and were there for each other as a family. Funerals are never easy, but no one ever wants to bury a child. And yet all I can keep coming back to is the strength that Beth and Ben showed. They grieved--and are still grieving--but are finding solace in their faith. The road ahead of them is long, and there are more questions they'll have to answer for themselves as a family--and the future direction of their family, but they are not alone. They are surrounded by their family. By God. By love.


To Trust You (Jody’s Song)

Did you hear me crying out to You,
Did you hear me I did all I knew to do
I prayed had faith but You still took [her] away from me

Chorus
I can choose to ask why, I can choose to be angry.
I can wrestle when life is not what I thought it would be
I can wish that all the pain would simply go away
And at the same time I can choose Lord to trust You

Do you see me I can’t do this on my own
Are you near me just let me know I’m not alone
I prayed had faith that you would answer me so differently

To trust Your ways are not my ways
To know there’s purpose in this pain
To trust that you will bring my joy again
But I’m still asking why …

I can wish that all the pain would simply go away
And at the same time I can choose Lord to trust You
Lord to trust You, Lord I trust you

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust You,
How I've proved You o'er and o'er,
Jesus, Jesus, Precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more.


Excerpts from Alanna’s Song

...

Chorus
So run into his arms, little one
And that’s where I will look for you
And though I miss you I will see you again
When my days on earth are through
And when my Father calls me home
I know just where I’ll go
I’ll run to you

I find great comfort that you’ll never cry
Gone are the troubles of this world
You’ll only ever know the joy and peace
Of being wrapped up in his love

...